what kind of person you are?
Although it is
difficult to admit that you have weaknesses that cannot be changed. But when I
asked, I already had the answer: I slowly accepted that I became a "lost
curiosity" person, a "habitual escape" person.
But in fact,
for everyone, there is always about your own experience and personality that
you have always been unable to accept. I selected 4 representative questions
from the comments; let's take a look at the crux of the problem
01 Can't
say "no" to his parents?
I am the boss
of my family, and I have two younger sisters and a younger brother. Since I was
relatively sensible, I have become self-sufficient in college. I will not tell
my parents about any difficulties I have encountered outside; for fear that
they will worry.
But the more
sensible and strong I am, the more my parents feel that I can do everything
myself. When my brother buys a house, I help with the loan. When my brother
gets married, I help with the planning.
I would like to
refuse, but every time I have such an idea, I will question whether I am too
selfish.
People who have
always been sensible may have been "losing themselves".
From his
portrayal, we can deduce that perhaps he is not just unable to say no to his
parents, but may be "unable to refuse firmly" in most relationships.
In various
relationships, he always thinks of others, for example: the interests of
others, the feelings of others, and the emotions of others. If someone else has
a problem, he will feel that he has a responsibility and obligation to help
solve it; if someone else has emotions, he may still feel guilty;
In the
relationship, he always compresses himself, feels that he can't cause trouble
to others, does not give himself space, even when he is alone, he cannot
consider himself.
If these are
all established, then he and his friends who are very similar to him must know
that you are too lacking in yourself.
For him,
"selfishness" is a precious trait. To allow yourself to be selfish,
try to respect yourself and take care of yourself. In the details, in some
things you care about; try to express yourself, even to care about.
He can start
with small things, practice refusing others, and practice refusing parents.
Otherwise, good old people will wait for a disaster in the relationship, and
when the other party has done too much, they can just say no without fear, so
as not to feel guilty.
However, in
order to motivate you to take the initiative to make changes, I want to scare
all the good old people. Good old people usually have such a trajectory in
life:
When I was in
my twenties or twenties, I felt that I was pretty good, and I could help people
live happily. In my thirties, I began to accumulate some grievances and began
to suspect that my life direction was wrong;
Not only accumulated in the heart, but also in
the expression on the face; when the sixties or seventies, there will be a lot
of discomfort in the body, and it is generally dry, and the resentment he
exudes will scare the people around.
This good old
man's path is really bad. Turn around early and start loving yourself early.
02 .Why can't I just concentrate
on doing things?
Procrastination
and inattention are my constant problems. For one thing, I always have to stay
up late at the last minute, rush to work, and finally deliver it hastily.
At other times,
I was basically entangled, whether the entanglement started to work, or waited,
resulting in wasted time. Moreover, when I was doing things, I was often
interrupted by various internal and external factors, such as looking around,
playing games, and video. Every time I regretted wasting time, the next time I
repeat the same mistakes.
All
relationships, including interpersonal relationships and relationships with
things, can be understood as the relationship between "me" and
"you".
All good things
are the product of deep relationships. When you do something, you are building
a relationship with it, and the delays and lack of concentration are due to
your lack of deep relationship experience.
A person who
can build a deep relationship will have a confidence inside: "I" can
express my vitality to you wantonly, we will therefore establish a deep
relationship, "You" will accept, and the expression of me and your
vitality, Will nourish each other.
There is logic
inherent in various attention disorders: I am unwelcome to you, and expressing
my vitality into the relationship will destroy you, and vice versa.
This is to
understand attention deficit from a relationship perspective. We can also
understand attention deficit from another angle: "a sense of omnipotence”,
that is, we feel that we can do anything. People with attention disorders
usually have a more severe sense of omnipotence.
This can be
expressed as hope that "as soon as I am motivated, things can be done
right away and they can do it perfectly." But when they find
imperfections, they can't stand it. So it can't go on.
At this time,
it is "the motivation that I give out" is destroyed, and then it
becomes the desire to destroy, which will point to three things: point to
yourself, such as self-attack; point to the object, such as criticizing and
attacking others or devalue things; point to the relationship , For example,
never want to build this relationship.
But in the end, in order to survive, they have
to do it again.
The two angles
of relationship and omnipotence can well explain attention deficit. How can we
heal such a problem? My suggestion is to find a way to deepen the relationship
that is healing. At this time, I would particularly recommend the series of
books on "Flow of Heart".
These books are
actually talking about the operability method in building a deep relationship.
There are usually several steps:
Set a goal;
establish a boundary. When you do something, tell others: "Don’t interfere
with me", just like building a dam for a river; invest in it; get
feedback, positive feedback tells you how to approach the goal, negative
feedback will tell you How to be ineffective and inefficient; gain a sense of
control, that is, feel that you are gradually beginning to master this matter;
more and more investment, the sense of space and time have changed;
You will enter
the flow experience, that is, something is flowing, which will bring joy, and
it will also become a huge reward for you to invest in it.
03. I just can't be confident
and I have always been in a low self-esteem
I have rarely
been affirmed by my parents since I was a child. My family's model is basically
this: I took the second place and I was asked why it wasn't the first place;
when I took the first place, I was asked again why the homework couldn't be
full marks.
Now, when I run
into problems, I always feel that I am not strong enough and very anxious.
Moreover, when I saw others working hard, the first reaction was to worry about
being overtaken.
In fact,
various descriptions of personality, whether inferiority complex or
self-confidence, are essentially relationships, and at first they are
internalization of parent-child relationship.
You provide a
good example. No matter how good you are, you won’t be recognized by your
parents, and your parents will always pick you up. We can see that the
so-called self-confidence means that "inner parents" believe in
"inner children"; the so-called inferiority means that "inner
parents" do not trust "inner children".
We easily think
that self-confidence and self-esteem are good and not good, but in fact, this
is about love.
No matter how
good people are, if they have not been loved, they are at most arrogant, but
they are full of inferiority. Judging from my experience in consulting, that
part feels like "If you don't get the glory of love, people will feel like
a monster. If they have excellent ability, then it is a monster with excellent
ability."
In your case,
it seems that you are picking yourself, but in fact we can also understand that
it is your "inner parent" who is picking the "inner child".
Your inner dialogue is actually an externalization of the childhood
relationship model.
A deep understanding
of this will make us relieved. After all, we know how this came from. The real
healing lies in building a deep relationship with quality. There are too many
studies in this area, but the conclusion is consistent: the quality of
important relationships determines happiness.
When there is a
sense of well-being, you will find, eh, I don’t seem to care so much about good
or bad, although I seem to have not made any efforts or changes during this
time.
In addition,
anxiety is also the enemy of excellence. It can be seen that you are always in
the middle of the comparison, and you are always self-critical and criticized
by the inner dialogue. This narcissistic comparison will destroy your
commitment to things, so it is also excellent.
04 Why can't I just socialize
easily?
When
interacting with others, my psychological burden is always heavy.
I am a strong
talker. Sometimes what I say will make the other person uncomfortable, so I
especially want to get rid of this problem. This leads me to be very afraid of
saying the wrong thing, and every sentence I communicate with others; I have to
think about it for a long time.
This is very energy-intensive, so I gradually
reduced socializing. There are two basic dimensions of human nature: the
narcissistic dimension and the relationship dimension.
The
narcissistic dimension measures strength and power. The main perceptions in
this dimension are who is high and who is low, who is strong and who is weak.
The deepest point is death anxiety that is,
when you are weak, you will be bullied, abused, or even killed by strong
people. The relationship dimension measures emotion and morality.
Its main perception is the depth of the
relationship, good and evil, love and hate, etc., and in the relationship
dimension, everyone is equal.
Each of us must
find a balance between these two dimensions.
You said that
you usually talk too strong, this situation is over-dominated by the
narcissistic dimension. The reason why you have the problem of speaking
strongly may be because you are extremely concerned about who is high and who
is low, and hope that you are in the high position at all times. At this time,
others will feel that they are placed in the low position, so they will
Uncomfortable.
In a person's
spiritual development, the narcissistic dimension comes first, and the
relationship dimension comes second. When the human mind can develop from the
dimension of loneliness to the dimension of relationship, you will experience
equality, and then you will find that your social connection becomes easier.
So that's the
sentence: try to build a deep, quality relationship, a temperature emotion, and
a good medicine for healing.
Many times we
think there is a problem with the relationship, such as disputes with parents
and children, but the actual crux is that the self is not strong; and many
times, we think that there is a problem with the self, such as inferiority,
arrogance, but the crux is hidden in the relationship with family and others.
